My Winning Wednesday Post - Maybe just a tad TMI (don't say I didn't warn you)!

All I can say is I'm jacked! 

I take a bath most days...I prefer it that way with my skin apron however tonight I took a shower. While trying to wash everything and I had an epiphany.... in 6 weeks I will once again see my doo dah! 

For ten years now I've seen my lady parts only in passing in a mirror if I pick up my stomach and move it. Yet, I still somehow manage to shave it, dutifuly wash it, and I have learned to live with it....but......it is a huge source of frustration for me....don't even get me started on how it's complicated my sex life. 

Anyhow this nightmare is coming to close. Financing was approved today, funds are being deposited to our account and this whole thing is a definite go! 

Life is good! 

My Throwback Tuesday Share

Who remembers this? I do I do! 

I wonder how many times I accidently hit it just right and made it richochet into my shin....damn that shit hurt. 

Honestly though I look back on these and smile and wonder what my kids would think if they saw me hopping around on one of these. 

Ahh the 80's times were simple back then....

Tummy Tuck Guilt

I feel sort of stupid writing this blog.....I mean I'm not anyone important so why the hell should anyone listen to anything I have to say. 

However, these kinds of thoughts have affected my life for as long as I can remember and I fight it so much it's just common place. I can't help but think if I write about it and face it I will feel better. 

However, with that said I'm really wrestling with how to deal with some of the guilt I'm feeling about my upcoming tummy tuck...... 

Let's look at the situation, shall we? 

I'm 34 and 3/4's.   

I work full time. 

I am not having anymore kids.

My weight has been pretty consistent for the last 4 years, no major ups and no major downs (I think my body likes the weight it's at for some reason - all I can say is F that but oh well). 

We really can afford this surgery...the payments are $209.00 a month for 36 months and we completely paid off J's student loans in the last 4 months and that payment was $211.00. 

We are also planing on throwing all excess money we have at this thing and try to get it paid off in 14 to 18 months instead of stretching it out. The price tag for this thing is $6900.00, I have seen woman paying upwards of $11,000 to $14,000 for what I am having done so this is a blessing of sorts I suppose.

WITH ALL OF THAT SAID WHY THE HELL I AM FEELING GUILTY?????? 

The funny part is I am not worried about pain, drain tubes, anesthia, or feeling like I got beat with a bag of bricks from the lipo. I am worried about how this is going to take me out of commission and how I fear that my family will have to work double over time to take care of me and I worry that I am not being fair to them

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

Maybe this is a common thing, I'm not sure as I have never done this before. What I do know is that I am a culmination of some of the most busy professions in the world (cab driver, counselor, mediator, cook, laundress, house keeper ) all while holding down a full time job and I know deep in my soul I deserve this. I just wish I could completely convince myself....  

We were watching Suze Ormon a few nights ago on TV and she has that part of her show where she has people call in and ask if they can afford it. J jokingly said maybe we should call in and ask her about your surgery and I looked at him and said she would probably say we can't or shouldn't.  He said why? I said because it seems so selfish and not worth it. He said not worth it? How do you figure? I started to bawl and wouldn't answer him. Why? In that moment I realized that I really don't think I deserve anything, nor do I think I am important to anyone let alone myself. 

The funny part is that I didn't have to answer J he already knows that's how I feel about myself. In passing he has said your going to feel so much better once you get this done you know that right? When he says that I really do want to believe him that I will feel better

I know that I am important on some level to at least the kids and I know that I am doing the right thing. I am just trying to wrap my head around it....this is a lot of money for us to shell out. 

But....

The prospect of no more worrying about the belly slapping my legs when I do jumping jacks, or how much it flops around when I run down the stairs. 

And....

No more stuffing it into clothes to try and mask it, wearing super long shirts to help cover the bulges and the bumps is so uplifting and promising I would be lying if I said I wasn't beaming inside. 

Even if I am still a size 16 after this whole thing to have things just be smooth and  in place makes me smile. Thinking about feeling beautiful in front of J and even in front of my kids will be a certain kind of happiness I don't even think I can fully comprehend at this time. Time will tell....

Right now I am constantly harping on myself and I worry I will destroy my kid's self esteem as I am supposed to be a role model but this role model is currently cranky, pissed off, and sad a lot of the time and this makes me not easy to live with. I want to be a better wife, mom, and friend and I know that starts with how I feel about myself and I suppose with what I am about to do this is the first step of many in this process of healing I am embarking on. 

So I am posting a picture of my dreaded stomach and love handles that I hate with a passion....and from this point on I'm going to try and turn the hate I feel into a more positive uplifting thing and look at that stomach and realize that this belly made a beautiful 9 year old soul that I can't imagine not having in my life, and that this belly even led me to J because my ex couldn't see the beauty in it like J does.

I am so looking forward to posting after pictures of this whole thing. I am praying that the results are decent if not unbelievable at this point.

They will be right?  Ugh....

Two Ingredient Shrimp Pesto - My Monday "Make It" Share Of The Week

Seriously that's it for ingredients! 

Oh a light sprinkle of Parmesan cheese is nice at the end but is completely optional.  This recipe is simple, and delicious, my family loves this recipe! 

First.....

Get a big bowl and using lukewarm water thaw a whole bag of shrimp. I like the chicken of the sea brand you can use whatever you want just make sure they are are not cooked shrimp and that they are large shrimp not medium or small they just don't have the right flavor. I love the jumbo and or colossal shrimp but they have to be on sale for me to buy them as $25 a bag is steep. These ones I get at Smiths for $13 a bag.  Now, you can leave the tail on or peel before cooking completely your choice. Peeling a shrimp is easy, just run your fingers under the shell and pinch that tail and pull that shrimp out. Then using a paper towel dry them off and set aside. 

Second....

In a large skillet set to medium dump the entire jar of pesto, wait until it starts to sizzle then add your shrimp. They will cook quickly. You want them pink and with a slight curl. Make sure you get both sides coated with the pesto. Don't over cook they will get tough.

You can also brush the pesto on the shrimp and grill them on skewers if you prefer. Just get your grill to about 350 degrees brush it with olive oil and grill those shrimp for about 2 minutes per side. If you use wood skewers soak them in water so they don't erupt in flames while your grilling your shrimp. 

Third....

Take the entire skillet or skewers off of the heat and top with a light dusting of Parmesan cheese. 

Fourth....

Prepare your side dishes. I like 5 minute brown rice, whole grain angel hair pasta, or just a nice salad. I sometimes throw frozen broccoli florets in with the pesto before cooking the shrimp for added nutritional value.  Sautéed asparagus goes nicely with this dish also. 

The shrimp can be served on top of your pasta or rice as it makes it's own sauce of sorts. 

Start to finish you can have dinner on the table in 30 minutes or less and I routinely make this once a week. 

It should look like this....so good! 

It's been awhile.....

So much has happened since I posted last August.....I don't even know where to start.... Let's make it short and sweet and then refocus on what I'm trying to do with this thing at this point in my life. 

H moved out after turning 18 in September. We bought her a car asked her to make the $125 monthly payments, abide by a curfew, keep her grades up, and help out around the house....well that didn't happen....I know we are crazy huh? We are so unreasonable asking such outlandish things. All I can say is WHATEVER!!!! A statement I heard routinely in my house up until the time she disembarked from our home. Regardless I am heartbroken that she chose what I believe to be the hard road on Strife Avenue....ugh... 

 

Christmas came and went.....it was honestly a nightmare this year I just wasn't feeling it....everything that happened with H just made it difficult. To top it all off we went to Missoula for Thanksgiving and came home and my beloved cat of 11 years was clearly sick....jaundiced....and not eating...I did end up saving him though but it was three weeks of force feeding him and a lot of praying. Regardless he's still here and I'm pretty thankful for that. 

So on to more happy news! My Christmas gift from J was the go ahead to get this tummy tuck I have been wanting for 9 years. So as of this moment it's scheduled for April 22! I'm super excited yet scared but know that in my heart of hearts it's time. I took pictures of myself to send to my Dr and all I can say was that it was super tough to see it on my phone in hardcore reality how much my stomach doesn't match the rest of my body. I'm trying to focus on the fact that this chapter of my life is coming to close and I'll be free and liberated from this belly soon enough. I'm nervous about the recovery as I have read numerous horror stories of woman's experiences with their tummy tuck but I'm going to stay positive and focus on the fact that my personal recovery may be completely different. Between now and the time of my surgery I'm going to try and blog about what I've been eating, what I've been doing, and what I've been feeling. It will be nice to go back and laugh at myself after all of this is done.

Also I'm going to try and do a daily post that's theme specific....

This is what I'm shooting for..... 

Make It Monday - On Monday's I'm going to share quick easy healthy recipes that we enjoy at our home (yes even your kids will eat it). 

Throwback Tuesday - On Tuesday's I'm going to pay homage to the past and take a trip down memory lane. I keep finding these things on Pinterest that make me stop reminisce about my child hood and smile. 

Winning Wednesday - On Wednesday's I'm going to post a collection of uplifting quotes, sayings, or stories I find in my travels. Gotta try and keep those good vibes up and running because what you think and what you feel affect every part of your life. Better to be positive, right? 

Thirfty Thursday - Face it we all need to be mindful of our finances and I have countless ways I do that in my home to help save money so I'm going to share.

Funny Friday - On Friday's I'm going to share funny stories or things I just find hillarious in general WARNING I have a demented sense of humor as this is what gets me through most days. 

Sinful Saturdays - I love dessert....hell I love sugar....I'm gonna share a dessert recipe every Saturday but I'm going to do my best to try and be as health conscientious about it as I can. I consider this day somewhat of a challenge and I think I'm up for it. 

Sweaty Sundays - We own our home and with that comes a ton of projects....I love to garden... I love working on my home so the plan here is to share with you some of the things we have done around our home and things we plan to do around our home. 

That's all for now....kind of a tall order I'm putting on myself but I feel more centered and at ease when I'm writing. 

Have a great Sunday everyone! 

Christina 

Letter to my 17 year old self.....

Dear Christina (that's you in that red colored shirt), 

As I look at this picture I realize how truly hard you have been on yourself over the years. Honestly it makes me so sad. Your 17 here, months away from graduating from high school, working, completely in love with  your boyfriend Eric, surrounded by wonderful friends, and had the whole world ahead of you.  

What happened?

How did things get so complicated? 

Maybe it's just what happens to everyone. I don't know if I ever truly will be able to answer that what happened question. 

What I do know is that in no way shape or form were you ever fat, ever not loved, or doomed to fail like you seem to repeatedly tell yourself these days. 

The guilt you have over how your life has turned out really needs to stop. Your never going to win your father or your mothers approval. No amount of crying and carrying on  will bring your brother back nor will it fix your brothers physical limitations. Let it go.....

Spending hours mulling over why Eric after all of those years could never fully commit is pointless. He did you a favor walking away like he did and its not because you were not attractive it was because he as you have come to learn couldn't be that for anyone. Trust me when I tell you his life didn't pan out the way he thought it would either. He will contact you 10 years after he has betrayed you and tell you he is sorry and that he is jealous because you have a "life" kids, a significant other, and a home. 

Your marriage.....it initially wasn't a sham. You two did genuinely care about one another at one point. But unfortunately people change including yourself and sometimes things just don't work out. Stop beating yourself up over choices he made, they were his own and karma has a way of coming back around and rearing its ugly head. Your daughter was the best thing that will ever happen to you. She will give you a sense of hope, a sense of family, and will teach you valuable lessons that you need to pay attention to. Never ever forget that. Tell her often how much she means to you....her little red headed soul needs it. 

The move to Wyoming was paramount in terms of your growth a person. Do not let critical family members tell you otherwise. The space to spread your wings and get some clarity about who you are was a huge gift given to you by yourself with  huge help from J and his kids. 

Meeting J and his kids will prove to be challenging and rewarding at the same time.  J will teach you about true commitment. It's a valuable lesson that you shouldn't take lightly. His kids will become your kids and they will give you a lesson in strife but will make you realize how strong you really are and how hard your own parents really did try and in that you'll learn to forgive them for all they did and didn't do. 

Now you've got some battle scars, your not as skinny and beautiful as you once were but your a stronger different more beautiful person than that young naive girl pictured above. 

Never give up on yourself. You are worth it and you will prove that to yourself with time. 

Love, 

Christina 

My engagement is a shit storm post.....ugh

It's been a not so great summer filled with extreme highs and extreme lows.  What I thought J wanted when he gave me this ring is not coming to fruition and I am just utterly destroyed.  One would think that if you give someone a $3000.00 dollar engagement ring that you have the unspoken go ahead to start planning your wedding.  Well I was wrong?  J states he has intention of marrying me but it seems that the timing is just not there for him this summer or even this fall.  We will be engaged two years next June and I feel like a monumental idiot for even thinking I could try and get this done in a structured fashion.  See J is a spontaneous kind of dude and when I purchased my wedding dress, and then tried to book a venue, and then announced to the world what I thought our intentions were he freaked out. I had his blessing to go ahead with it too but seriously he silently  freaked out for three weeks and then very callously announced that he didn't want to do this right now even though I had been asking him for 5 weeks if what I was doing was okay.  Frankly, it was completely unfair and I feel betrayed and ashamed.  Needless to say there is a rift in our relationship now and I am doing my best to try and just support and love him and myself through this but it's pretty god damn hard. That's what love is right is commitment through the good times and the bad right? Or am I wrong?  All I know is having to cancel everything and then put away my wedding dress, my shoes, the girls dresses, his ring, my wedding band, my flowers and then carrying on like everything was okay was and is gut wrenching.  Now I am not happy with what I weigh so the only silver lining I see to this is that it gives me more time to work on myself and hope that the one day that he says pack a bag were going to do this thing I feel beautiful enough to just walk down that damn aisle with my head held high.  Ideally things will calm down soon for J see he started a new stressful job this summer and that stress caused mondo issues for him and I.  All of the testings and getting acclimated to the new place was too much for him. Ideally,  we can refocus and set out to do what we intended which was build a life together.  Not that we aren't doing that now but the culmination of all of it for me at least is actually the fact that I will get to be Mrs. Christina Porter at some point in the future and not just this pseudo weird limbo role I am in that I hate because I think it's confusing for our kids and I think it cheapens our relationship with each passing day.  But....maybe I am wrong and the act of marriage is just a sham and I am just being ungodly hard on myself and not giving our kids and J enough credit....I don't know.....What I do know that there is a traditional side to me that just wants this because it's the right thing to do and I feel like I am dishonoring myself to a certain extent.  All of which I think stems from my upbringing thank you catholic family for the ungodly amounts of guilt!!!!!  I also worry that we will never actually do the damn thing and I'm going to be left feeling very unfulfilled and alone.  J has a lot of baggage from his first marriage and that woman takes up valuable rental space in his brain with all of the messed up things she did to him and the kids over the last 20 years.  I don't know if J can ever fully trust and or love anyone again in that fashion and I worry that is what is holding him back and that the excuse that the timing is just not right is just a cop out.  Should I be allowing him to have his cake and eat it too?  Or do I just say you know what this is to hard for me and walk away?  I can't even imagine not walking up next to him every morning and that is what keeps me holding on.  So..... that's what's been going on......pleasant huh?  I am hoping that with some soul searching and venting like this maybe I will finally start to feel better.....maybe.......