Me - July 2009 (Weight 243ish)
So seriously that chick in the white shirt looks sad, fat, and lost......Guess what? She was......That summer my world got rocked. My husband of almost 7 years announced he wanted a divorce, we had money issues, and he was having an affair. I was miserable.....beyond words. I turned 30 that summer. I should have been celebrating becoming an official adult but there was no celebration that summer just a lot of sadness. I would lose my beloved grandfather a few weeks after this photo was taken and things would just continue to spiral out of control for another 6 to 9 months. The relationship with my folks would denigrate more and I would contemplate suicide numerous times. To top it all of I was the mother of a 4 year old and our life as we knew it was completely imploding. What the hell was I going to do and how the hell would I ever forgive myself?
I had no lawyer in the divorce and got taken to the cleaners when it was finalized in December of 2009. The thing that stung the most was losing B. Yeah, that's right you heard it here folks, B was awarded to her father for residential custody. I had no lawyer so he and his lawyer called all the shots. I was not a bad mom, I didn't drink or abuse drugs, I was living on the poverty line. I had lost my job of 5 1/2 years and the sole breadwinner in the family walked out on me.
I can tell you having no money to feed your child is the worst feeling in the world. I remember she wanted an ice cream cone a little one from DQ (they cost 26 cents) I couldn't even find enough change on the floor of my car to get here on. It was awful.......
I was confused befuddled and stunned that the judge would allow my ex to have her. Why wouldn't a child be awarded to her mother. It made no sense to me. My ex is a police officer. He worked nights and he honestly was more concerned in my mind about the amount of potential alimony and child support he was going to have to pay to me if she was awarded to my care than he was concerned for B's welfare. He would cite that he was the better parent because he had more support and resources. I can honestly say he did but he manipulated the only resources I and had conning my own parents into thinking I was completely at fault with the way our marriage panned out and leaving me penniless. I was furious and honestly I still am. Can you believe that my own folks still to this day speak with him and on occasion will have dinner with him knowing what they know now? They claim that it is in the best interest of B that they maintain their relationship with him for her sake. I say that is bull and it sickens me that they think it's okay. Hind sight is 20/20 and I should have stood up for myself more but I had no idea how to. I was just lost. I had never gone through a divorce before. I think I just thought it would be okay and what was fair would come to fruition. I was wrong. Residential custody meant that B only got to see my on my days off and if I had no days off or it was on one of her school days then I didn't see her at all. She was just poof gone...... Meanwhile she was being raised by her grandmother and my exes then girlfriend. I was heartbroken and destroyed and powerless to do anything short of kidnapping and well kidnapping would have landed me in jail and so I couldn't do that. When I did see her it was so filled with stress and anxiety it wasn't healthy for her at all.
The state did nothing to assist me in the process other than give me not so great advice. I didn't qualify for food stamps nor did I qualify for help with housing because I made too much money......HA if you call fifteen cents more an hour than what was allowed more money than I guess it is what it is. The money I did make working 40 plus hours a week was being garnished by debt collectors. I tried to find the most affordable apartment early that spring so I could be as close to B and her father but in Missoula the rent is high and before you knew it I couldn't keep up on my rent or my car payments. Things were going from bad to worse and fast.
Now through all of this I met J on eharmony.....that's right folks eharmony. We were 500 miles apart with his living in Wyoming and me in Montana, remarkably J was from Missoula so call it coincidence or fate I like to think of it as fate. J just understood me and I just understood him. We maintained our relationship as best we could. I tried to hide most of my struggles from him, something I should have never done but I just fell completely compelled to hide it as best as I could. Call it foolish pride. In February of 2010 I lost my grandmother. This was another huge blow. I was reeling from everything going on and reached out to J for some comfort. What I got was frustration. He made a comment that people get old and they die and that I should be using my bereavement time to come see him in Wyoming. I was like what the hell dude? I broke up with him.......
I met another man....a bad man.....he duped me and told me he needed a fresh start and asked if he could move in with me.....I needed help and this seemed to be a good idea he could help with rent, I wouldn't be alone, and he would get a fresh start. I was so wrong. The entire month of April all I thought of was J and how to make the situation with B better. It consumed my thoughts. J wouldn't take my phone calls or my text messages. Meanwhile, I am living with a terrible slob of a man that was for lack of a better word morally questionable. I contemplated suicide yet again.
Then one night in May I had a terribly troubling dream about J and I got up and cyberstalked his facebook page......low and behold he was in Missoula visiting his father. I was stunned and didn't know what to do. I thought maybe he will call or text. The next morning I got a text from J and he said I suppose you know I am here I am sure my ex-wife told you. I said actually do you want the truth.....no....I found out from your post on facebook you were here and then he called......I burst into tears.....he said do you want to see me I said yes. I worked that night, longest night at work ever.....trust me. He called I went to his dad's and picked him and granted he was drunk but everything I felt for him just came rushing back. I knew that I had to make some decisions because I couldn't sit back and hope that things were just going to get better. I spilled everything about my financial issues and my feelings for him. He said you need to move....it's time....get rid of everything and get your ass to Wyoming. I said what about B, he said do you even get to see her now because you work so much? He was right I didn't. He said you need to come get settled and get your butt back in court and get her back in your care and in the meantime you need to visit her as much as possible and ask the courts to let you have her during the summer and on her breaks everything will be okay just listen to me. I called my ex and said I am leaving I can't do this anymore. Three weeks later I anxiously packed my car said goodbye to B (hardest thing ever) and headed to Wyoming to be with J. I knew I was trying to do the best I could by her and I would be back.
J and I did our best to get settled in together, C came to live with us. H returned from Alaska and I continued to call and visit B whenever I could. She came down to Wyoming for Christmas that first year and for the first time in a long time I think she saw a glimpse of her old mother again. She spent the summer with me in 2011 and 2012. I continue to travel to Missoula to see here whenever I can and the time we spend with one another isn't crowded with what I can't do for her but what I can do for her and that makes things a little easier. I will say that every time I leave her I just want to die but I am no longer living in squalor, under her father's thumb, and I have carved out a life for myself here in Wyoming and she gets to see a happier healthier mom. I have my finances sorted out, J and I bought a house, and things steadily improve every day. Throughout all of this I think I kind of found myself again. B is slated to be with us yet again this summer and I have another visit planned with her in a couple of weeks. Thank god for ipods and iphones and facetime. Email has definitely made me capable of staying in touch with her teachers and even though we are apart I feel like I can actually co-parent successfully now. I of course want her to live here with us but all in due time but for right now we take it one day at a time. She is an amazing kid and I just pray that I haven't completely screwed her up and yes I pay child support.
Now was it the stress or was it the new found lease on life J gave me that spawned an almost 60 pound weight loss in me? I don't know exactly. I can tell you that when I look at pictures of myself now I am starting to get better about how I see myself. That twinkle in my eyes that I thought died in the summer of 2009 seems to be coming back. Things are far from perfect but they are getting better every day. My plans are to lose another 40 to 45 pounds and to right my wrongs and maintain the best relationship I can with B. Meanwhile, I have two amazing kids living with me all the time and J.....my best friend.
B is thriving and succeeding in Missoula and I am so proud of her. She's been dealt some blows that I never imagined she would face but she's a fighter like her mom and no matter what B and I will always be okay and I will always be her mother.
June 2012 (Weight 180ish)
