Letter to my 17 year old self.....

Dear Christina (that's you in that red colored shirt), 

As I look at this picture I realize how truly hard you have been on yourself over the years. Honestly it makes me so sad. Your 17 here, months away from graduating from high school, working, completely in love with  your boyfriend Eric, surrounded by wonderful friends, and had the whole world ahead of you.  

What happened?

How did things get so complicated? 

Maybe it's just what happens to everyone. I don't know if I ever truly will be able to answer that what happened question. 

What I do know is that in no way shape or form were you ever fat, ever not loved, or doomed to fail like you seem to repeatedly tell yourself these days. 

The guilt you have over how your life has turned out really needs to stop. Your never going to win your father or your mothers approval. No amount of crying and carrying on  will bring your brother back nor will it fix your brothers physical limitations. Let it go.....

Spending hours mulling over why Eric after all of those years could never fully commit is pointless. He did you a favor walking away like he did and its not because you were not attractive it was because he as you have come to learn couldn't be that for anyone. Trust me when I tell you his life didn't pan out the way he thought it would either. He will contact you 10 years after he has betrayed you and tell you he is sorry and that he is jealous because you have a "life" kids, a significant other, and a home. 

Your marriage.....it initially wasn't a sham. You two did genuinely care about one another at one point. But unfortunately people change including yourself and sometimes things just don't work out. Stop beating yourself up over choices he made, they were his own and karma has a way of coming back around and rearing its ugly head. Your daughter was the best thing that will ever happen to you. She will give you a sense of hope, a sense of family, and will teach you valuable lessons that you need to pay attention to. Never ever forget that. Tell her often how much she means to you....her little red headed soul needs it. 

The move to Wyoming was paramount in terms of your growth a person. Do not let critical family members tell you otherwise. The space to spread your wings and get some clarity about who you are was a huge gift given to you by yourself with  huge help from J and his kids. 

Meeting J and his kids will prove to be challenging and rewarding at the same time.  J will teach you about true commitment. It's a valuable lesson that you shouldn't take lightly. His kids will become your kids and they will give you a lesson in strife but will make you realize how strong you really are and how hard your own parents really did try and in that you'll learn to forgive them for all they did and didn't do. 

Now you've got some battle scars, your not as skinny and beautiful as you once were but your a stronger different more beautiful person than that young naive girl pictured above. 

Never give up on yourself. You are worth it and you will prove that to yourself with time. 

Love, 

Christina 

My engagement is a shit storm post.....ugh

It's been a not so great summer filled with extreme highs and extreme lows.  What I thought J wanted when he gave me this ring is not coming to fruition and I am just utterly destroyed.  One would think that if you give someone a $3000.00 dollar engagement ring that you have the unspoken go ahead to start planning your wedding.  Well I was wrong?  J states he has intention of marrying me but it seems that the timing is just not there for him this summer or even this fall.  We will be engaged two years next June and I feel like a monumental idiot for even thinking I could try and get this done in a structured fashion.  See J is a spontaneous kind of dude and when I purchased my wedding dress, and then tried to book a venue, and then announced to the world what I thought our intentions were he freaked out. I had his blessing to go ahead with it too but seriously he silently  freaked out for three weeks and then very callously announced that he didn't want to do this right now even though I had been asking him for 5 weeks if what I was doing was okay.  Frankly, it was completely unfair and I feel betrayed and ashamed.  Needless to say there is a rift in our relationship now and I am doing my best to try and just support and love him and myself through this but it's pretty god damn hard. That's what love is right is commitment through the good times and the bad right? Or am I wrong?  All I know is having to cancel everything and then put away my wedding dress, my shoes, the girls dresses, his ring, my wedding band, my flowers and then carrying on like everything was okay was and is gut wrenching.  Now I am not happy with what I weigh so the only silver lining I see to this is that it gives me more time to work on myself and hope that the one day that he says pack a bag were going to do this thing I feel beautiful enough to just walk down that damn aisle with my head held high.  Ideally things will calm down soon for J see he started a new stressful job this summer and that stress caused mondo issues for him and I.  All of the testings and getting acclimated to the new place was too much for him. Ideally,  we can refocus and set out to do what we intended which was build a life together.  Not that we aren't doing that now but the culmination of all of it for me at least is actually the fact that I will get to be Mrs. Christina Porter at some point in the future and not just this pseudo weird limbo role I am in that I hate because I think it's confusing for our kids and I think it cheapens our relationship with each passing day.  But....maybe I am wrong and the act of marriage is just a sham and I am just being ungodly hard on myself and not giving our kids and J enough credit....I don't know.....What I do know that there is a traditional side to me that just wants this because it's the right thing to do and I feel like I am dishonoring myself to a certain extent.  All of which I think stems from my upbringing thank you catholic family for the ungodly amounts of guilt!!!!!  I also worry that we will never actually do the damn thing and I'm going to be left feeling very unfulfilled and alone.  J has a lot of baggage from his first marriage and that woman takes up valuable rental space in his brain with all of the messed up things she did to him and the kids over the last 20 years.  I don't know if J can ever fully trust and or love anyone again in that fashion and I worry that is what is holding him back and that the excuse that the timing is just not right is just a cop out.  Should I be allowing him to have his cake and eat it too?  Or do I just say you know what this is to hard for me and walk away?  I can't even imagine not walking up next to him every morning and that is what keeps me holding on.  So..... that's what's been going on......pleasant huh?  I am hoping that with some soul searching and venting like this maybe I will finally start to feel better.....maybe.......