Letter to my 17 year old self.....

Dear Christina (that's you in that red colored shirt), 

As I look at this picture I realize how truly hard you have been on yourself over the years. Honestly it makes me so sad. Your 17 here, months away from graduating from high school, working, completely in love with  your boyfriend Eric, surrounded by wonderful friends, and had the whole world ahead of you.  

What happened?

How did things get so complicated? 

Maybe it's just what happens to everyone. I don't know if I ever truly will be able to answer that what happened question. 

What I do know is that in no way shape or form were you ever fat, ever not loved, or doomed to fail like you seem to repeatedly tell yourself these days. 

The guilt you have over how your life has turned out really needs to stop. Your never going to win your father or your mothers approval. No amount of crying and carrying on  will bring your brother back nor will it fix your brothers physical limitations. Let it go.....

Spending hours mulling over why Eric after all of those years could never fully commit is pointless. He did you a favor walking away like he did and its not because you were not attractive it was because he as you have come to learn couldn't be that for anyone. Trust me when I tell you his life didn't pan out the way he thought it would either. He will contact you 10 years after he has betrayed you and tell you he is sorry and that he is jealous because you have a "life" kids, a significant other, and a home. 

Your marriage.....it initially wasn't a sham. You two did genuinely care about one another at one point. But unfortunately people change including yourself and sometimes things just don't work out. Stop beating yourself up over choices he made, they were his own and karma has a way of coming back around and rearing its ugly head. Your daughter was the best thing that will ever happen to you. She will give you a sense of hope, a sense of family, and will teach you valuable lessons that you need to pay attention to. Never ever forget that. Tell her often how much she means to you....her little red headed soul needs it. 

The move to Wyoming was paramount in terms of your growth a person. Do not let critical family members tell you otherwise. The space to spread your wings and get some clarity about who you are was a huge gift given to you by yourself with  huge help from J and his kids. 

Meeting J and his kids will prove to be challenging and rewarding at the same time.  J will teach you about true commitment. It's a valuable lesson that you shouldn't take lightly. His kids will become your kids and they will give you a lesson in strife but will make you realize how strong you really are and how hard your own parents really did try and in that you'll learn to forgive them for all they did and didn't do. 

Now you've got some battle scars, your not as skinny and beautiful as you once were but your a stronger different more beautiful person than that young naive girl pictured above. 

Never give up on yourself. You are worth it and you will prove that to yourself with time. 

Love, 

Christina