However, these kinds of thoughts have affected my life for as long as I can remember and I fight it so much it's just common place. I can't help but think if I write about it and face it I will feel better.
However, with that said I'm really wrestling with how to deal with some of the guilt I'm feeling about my upcoming tummy tuck......
Let's look at the situation, shall we?
I'm 34 and 3/4's.
I work full time.
I am not having anymore kids.
My weight has been pretty consistent for the last 4 years, no major ups and no major downs (I think my body likes the weight it's at for some reason - all I can say is F that but oh well).
We really can afford this surgery...the payments are $209.00 a month for 36 months and we completely paid off J's student loans in the last 4 months and that payment was $211.00.
We are also planing on throwing all excess money we have at this thing and try to get it paid off in 14 to 18 months instead of stretching it out.
The price tag for this thing is $6900.00, I have seen woman paying upwards of $11,000 to $14,000 for what I am having done so this is a blessing of sorts I suppose.
WITH ALL OF THAT SAID WHY THE HELL I AM FEELING GUILTY??????
The funny part is I am not worried about pain, drain tubes, anesthia, or feeling like I got beat with a bag of bricks from the lipo. I am worried about how this is going to take me out of commission and how I fear that my family will have to work double over time to take care of me and I worry that I am not being fair to them
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
Maybe this is a common thing, I'm not sure as I have never done this before. What I do know is that I am a culmination of some of the most busy professions in the world (cab driver, counselor, mediator, cook, laundress, house keeper ) all while holding down a full time job and I know deep in my soul I deserve this. I just wish I could completely convince myself....
We were watching Suze Ormon a few nights ago on TV and she has that part of her show where she has people call in and ask if they can afford it. J jokingly said maybe we should call in and ask her about your surgery and I looked at him and said she would probably say we can't or shouldn't. He said why? I said because it seems so selfish and not worth it. He said not worth it? How do you figure? I started to bawl and wouldn't answer him. Why? In that moment I realized that I really don't think I deserve anything, nor do I think I am important to anyone let alone myself.
The funny part is that I didn't have to answer J he already knows that's how I feel about myself. In passing he has said your going to feel so much better once you get this done you know that right? When he says that I really do want to believe him that I will feel better
I know that I am important on some level to at least the kids and I know that I am doing the right thing. I am just trying to wrap my head around it....this is a lot of money for us to shell out.
But....
The prospect of no more worrying about the belly slapping my legs when I do jumping jacks, or how much it flops around when I run down the stairs.
And....
No more stuffing it into clothes to try and mask it, wearing super long shirts to help cover the bulges and the bumps is so uplifting and promising I would be lying if I said I wasn't beaming inside.
Even if I am still a size 16 after this whole thing to have things just be smooth and in place makes me smile. Thinking about feeling beautiful in front of J and even in front of my kids will be a certain kind of happiness I don't even think I can fully comprehend at this time. Time will tell....
Right now I am constantly harping on myself and I worry I will destroy my kid's self esteem as I am supposed to be a role model but this role model is currently cranky, pissed off, and sad a lot of the time and this makes me not easy to live with.
I want to be a better wife, mom, and friend and I know that starts with how I feel about myself and I suppose with what I am about to do this is the first step of many in this process of healing I am embarking on.
So I am posting a picture of my dreaded stomach and love handles that I hate with a passion....and from this point on I'm going to try and turn the hate I feel into a more positive uplifting thing and look at that stomach and realize that this belly made a beautiful 9 year old soul that I can't imagine not having in my life, and that this belly even led me to J because my ex couldn't see the beauty in it like J does.
I am so looking forward to posting after pictures of this whole thing. I am praying that the results are decent if not unbelievable at this point.
They will be right? Ugh....
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