I ran a lot this week and I plan to run more this upcoming week......while running I seem to be purging my soul. I have started bawling more than once this week on the treadmill. I've always known I have squashed down who I am as a person into the depths of my soul not because I wanted to but because that is what's been expected of me by friends, co-workers, and especially my family. I look back and think where you really that much trouble? When did I lose sight of my own importance? I don't know if I can specifically pin point it but I know it happened when I was young and it has continued to spiral out of control my whole life. This taking care of me thing is foreign. It makes me feel guilty when I take time for myself and that seems inherently wrong. It is pretty f$&@?! up that I think that way huh?
I've gone from being the sibling of a child with CP, to the friend everyone walked all over, to the girlfriend that got mistreated and overlooked, to the wife that got called selfish and inconsiderate, to the mom that relentlessly breast fed, got up in the middle of the night, worked full time, and tried to manage insurmountable tasks for the man that called her selfish and inconsiderate just to be cheated on by that man and then have that man start using our daughter like some kind of pawn in a game of chess when the divorce went down. That my friends never gets better. It just morphs into something different. Now I'm 33......still wondering if I've finally learned the lessons everyone was trying to teach me.
I find myself asking myself over and over again just why did I allow everyone and everything to treat me like I wasn't important? I have no answer.....
The horrific part....It still happens today and I know it happens and I feel like an idiot allowing such things to happen. I just don't feel like I have the tools to make it right. I struggle with my self worth.....and constantly fighting with yourself is exhausting.
The picture at the bottom of this blog is me and my best friend and her family on a camping trip in July of 1995......I'm 5 or 6 days away from turning 16. I'm sporting a huge hickey on my neck (I'm the one in the sleeveless shirt) and I'm exhausted from drinking, yes drinking and making out with said boy who gave me the hickey and I'm ashamed to admit that I can't remember his name. Even then I felt awful about myself and my behavior on that trip is quantifiable proof. I don't regret my memories...... but I wonder would my life have been different had I felt better about myself? That is something I'm really struggling with. My biggest fear now is that my kids are doomed to do the same. Simply because their parents lack the self worth and respect to set them straight and guide them down the right path appropriately....
Deep sigh......
The good part I suppose is I'm trying and so is J......
Every minute I jog, every time I decide to not overindulge, every glass of water I drink instead of Coke, every bland vegetable that crosses my lips I'm trying to imagine that it's all fuel for my overall better well being and our families well being.....
I've gone from being the sibling of a child with CP, to the friend everyone walked all over, to the girlfriend that got mistreated and overlooked, to the wife that got called selfish and inconsiderate, to the mom that relentlessly breast fed, got up in the middle of the night, worked full time, and tried to manage insurmountable tasks for the man that called her selfish and inconsiderate just to be cheated on by that man and then have that man start using our daughter like some kind of pawn in a game of chess when the divorce went down. That my friends never gets better. It just morphs into something different. Now I'm 33......still wondering if I've finally learned the lessons everyone was trying to teach me.
I find myself asking myself over and over again just why did I allow everyone and everything to treat me like I wasn't important? I have no answer.....
The horrific part....It still happens today and I know it happens and I feel like an idiot allowing such things to happen. I just don't feel like I have the tools to make it right. I struggle with my self worth.....and constantly fighting with yourself is exhausting.
The picture at the bottom of this blog is me and my best friend and her family on a camping trip in July of 1995......I'm 5 or 6 days away from turning 16. I'm sporting a huge hickey on my neck (I'm the one in the sleeveless shirt) and I'm exhausted from drinking, yes drinking and making out with said boy who gave me the hickey and I'm ashamed to admit that I can't remember his name. Even then I felt awful about myself and my behavior on that trip is quantifiable proof. I don't regret my memories...... but I wonder would my life have been different had I felt better about myself? That is something I'm really struggling with. My biggest fear now is that my kids are doomed to do the same. Simply because their parents lack the self worth and respect to set them straight and guide them down the right path appropriately....
Deep sigh......
The good part I suppose is I'm trying and so is J......
Every minute I jog, every time I decide to not overindulge, every glass of water I drink instead of Coke, every bland vegetable that crosses my lips I'm trying to imagine that it's all fuel for my overall better well being and our families well being.....
I love J.....I love my kids.....I love my life.....
Now Christina repeat that over and over and over again until everything is right with the world. Well guess what? It's not and I don't know if it will ever be okay. Fact of the matter is I do love all of those things. I just don't love myself enough....
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