My troop of ya-whoo's

I’m a fool….really I am…..

I’m trying to figure out how to balance my job, my kids, my hubby to be, my pets, and well myself. I just can’t seem to figure it out.  The last thing I want to do is throw J and the kids under the bus here but damnit it seems inevitable that’s it going to happen.  Maybe I just need to vent and maybe this is the appropriate venue to do so…..or maybe not because it’s a blog…..I DON”T KNOW AHHHHHHHHH! Oh well here it goes….

First and foremost, when did I become less than important than everyone else in the house?  Even the dog seems to get more consideration than I do.

So let’s examine this shall we…..

Why is it okay to bother me when I am asleep?  No one is exempt from this is my home.  J finds it disgraceful that I cannot stay awake with him to watch TV until all hours of the night. The kids could care less that I’m trying to nap.  They continue to clang and bang around and fight until I feel compelled to get up and see what is going on.  Why, why, why?  If there daddy is napping I make every grievous attempt I can to make sure that he gets the rest he needs.  This courtesy seems to never be extended to me and I know I sound like I am on a soap box here but did anyone stop to think that maybe the reason I am resting is because I’m actually tired……

If I am taking a bath why is it okay for everyone and there dog to enter said bathroom? We have two other bathrooms! I cannot even rationalize this one most days…..is everyone in my home this starved for attention that we feel compelled to come in and bother me in the 15 to 20 minutes I’m in there.  This is some of the only quiet time I get it seems that it should be viewed as sacred, am I wrong?

If I am expected to answer my cell phone because he pays the damn bill then why is it okay for him to not answer his?  I shit you not he called me one day in December 20 plus times in about an hour and ½ time frame  because I didn’t answer the phone. Then proceeded to send 10 or so not so nice text messages.  Where was I?  Outside decorating for Christmas……with the kids….oh that's right those lights and I are having a naughty affair…

Why does everyone wait until the last minute to tell me stuff?  Better yet why does everyone in my home wait until last minute to tell me stuff while I am obviously distracted?  Cooking, cleaning, tending to the pets, paying bills, tending to there daddy, tending to the kids and blah blah blah blah…..is what my day consists of.  I would be lying if I said that I am completely engaged every time they speak to me.  I just have too much going on…..

Typing this all out and thinking about all of it makes it sure sound like I live with a bunch of assholes. Honestly….I do…..but…..I love them and that is why I stay……I just don’t think it’s too much for all of us (including me cause the lord knows I am not innocent) that we start treating one another better.

I love my family…..they are hilarious insane people. I would be lost without them.  They are my troop of ya-who's and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So do you suppose I can learn to tolerate every ones weird effing behavior?  Apparently I just need to remind myself on occasion why I put up with it.   The answer to that one is simple…I do it because they all get to tolerate my weird effing behavior because were in a relationship and that relationship is a family and that’s what people do when they love one another.

I read somewhere that if people treated one another as nicely as they treated there pets than the world would be the bestest place ever.  I am inclined to believe this to be true.  I mean really think about it.  My dog lives the life….she’s waited on hand and foot….she needs food we get, she needs water we get it, she wants to go on a walk we take her, she sleeps all day (most of the time in one of our beds), she gets grandiose amounts of attention and belly rubs, she gets a pedicure and a hair cut without asking, no one cares if she gains a little weight or if her hair doesn’t look perfect…… I’m thinking that when I die I want to come back as a dog.  Can I put in a request for that?

So moral of the story is simple…..I’m abandoning my life to become a dog….KIDDING….

The true moral is that my household is a normal family experiencing normal family annoyances right along with all of the joy that surrounds us. This is the way it is because God intended it that way and I suppose I just need to learn to deal with it.

It’s tough but I think were all worth it (Yes, that sounds like a Loreal commercial but it's the truth).....

:)

Disappointment

I ran my ass off in the last 6 days and tonight I weighed myself in only down a pound.....what!!!!!!!!!

I'll take it but damn I was hoping for at least 2.

I just got done running for the evening too.....oh well tomorrow is a new day.

Holy Hell

Just a quick note....

If you get in a fight with your hubby to be please don't let it ruin your whole day. To the point where you don't eat or drink water. It makes your jog/run almost impossible later on. Trust me I just experienced this it wasnt fun......

Gratitude

Once upon a time I used to write down five things I was grateful for it was a good habit that I should have never stopped.  Here they are....

1. J took 2 minutes the other day when I got out of the shower and brushed the snarls out of hair.....I felt pretty special in those moments. 

2. A sweet labradoodle that never barks unless it's appropriate, she's amazing and a blessing and J rescuing her from the pound was one of the best things that has happened to us. 

3. My job....even though I babysit overgrown man children I appreciate the flexibility and casualness of the place. It's almost like I work for myself which is great considering my family. 

4. That mom taught me the basics of cooking and baking I know it makes my life easier everyday. 

5. The treadmill in my basement.....picked up for $100 from a garage sale and I foresee it being the best $100 we have ever spent. 

It makes me feel good to write those.

Now when J I fight next time (come on its going to happen) maybe I will chuck him my iPad and say here ass read this so that you do know that I appreciate you. That's a common theme in this house that no one is grateful......most of the time were really not and it's rather shameful. 

So on to my plans for the day...

I'm going to make homemade pretzels and some kind of soup well because it's Sunday and that's what I do. I'm going to jog/run sometime today. I also believe there will be movie watching this afternoon. Pretty relaxed day and those are few and far between in this house so I think I can handle it.

Running and Contemplating

I ran a lot this week and I plan to run more this upcoming week......while running I seem to be purging my soul. I have started bawling more than once this week on the treadmill. I've always known I have squashed down who I am as a person into the depths of my soul not because I wanted to but because that is what's been expected of me by friends, co-workers, and especially my family. I look back and think where you really that much trouble? When did I lose sight of my own importance? I don't know if I can specifically pin point it but I know it happened when I was young and it has continued to spiral out of control my whole life. This taking care of me thing is foreign. It makes me feel guilty when I take time for myself and that seems inherently wrong. It is  pretty f$&@?! up that I think that way huh?

I've gone from being the sibling of a child with CP, to the friend everyone walked all over, to the girlfriend that got mistreated and overlooked,  to the wife that got called selfish and inconsiderate, to the mom that relentlessly breast fed, got up in the middle of the night, worked full time, and tried to manage insurmountable tasks for the man that called her selfish and inconsiderate just to be cheated on by that man and then have that man start using our daughter like some kind of pawn in a game of chess when the divorce went down. That my friends never gets better. It just morphs into something different.  Now I'm 33......still wondering if I've finally learned the lessons everyone was trying to teach me.

I find myself asking myself over and over again just why  did I allow everyone and everything to treat me like I wasn't important?  I have no answer.....

The horrific part....It still happens today and I know it happens and I feel like an idiot allowing such things to happen. I just don't feel like I have the tools to make it right. I struggle with my self worth.....and constantly fighting with yourself is exhausting.

The picture at the bottom of this blog is me and my best friend and her family on a camping trip in July of 1995......I'm 5 or 6 days away from turning 16. I'm sporting a huge hickey on my neck (I'm the one in the sleeveless shirt)  and I'm exhausted from drinking, yes drinking and making out with said boy who gave me the hickey and I'm ashamed to admit that I can't remember his name. Even then I felt awful about myself and my behavior on that trip is quantifiable proof. I don't regret my memories...... but I wonder would my life have been different had I felt better about myself? That is something I'm really struggling with. My biggest fear now is that my kids are doomed to do the same. Simply because their parents lack the self worth and respect to set them straight and guide them down the right path appropriately....

Deep sigh......

The good part I suppose is I'm trying and so is J......

Every minute I jog, every time I decide to not overindulge, every glass of water I drink instead of Coke, every bland vegetable that crosses my lips I'm trying to imagine that it's all fuel for my overall better well being and our families well being.....

I love J.....I love my kids.....I love my life.....

Now Christina repeat that over and over and over again until everything is right with the world. Well guess what?  It's not and I don't know if it will ever be okay. Fact of the matter is I do love all of those things. I just don't love myself enough.... 

Pretty much sums it up.....

Ah Ha Moment and Positive Thoughts

I love Mama Laughlin.....if you haven't found her on the Internet you need too.  She is A-MAZING!  I was just sitting here desperately wanting french fries and I could have very well gotten in my truck and went and got some.....but I didn't.....I honestly credit her today.  It was like she was sitting on my shoulder.  Instead, I chose to just eat my sandwich and drink my water.  Her message is so positive and real and at this stage of the game I am already so appreciative that I can go to her blog and just read instead of eat.

Also I was just listening to her speak on the radio and she was talking about ah ha moments and when she finally realized that enough was enough. I can honestly say I have had so many of these moments in the last 8 years it pains me to think about.  Some would say oh you should be so proud of yourself you have already lost 53 pounds.  Well I'll be honest I'm not.  First and foremost, how the hell did I ever weigh 242 pounds!  I will admit I carried it well but Jesus that is a ton of weight on my 5 foot 2 frame! I have always had big boobs, larger arms, and a tummy, but never did I dream I would weigh that much.  I weigh 189 to 193 pounds now and yes that's wonderful .... but the truth of the matter is I did lose some of that weight exercising....mostly yoga and elliptical workouts and I believe that 30 pounds of that weight came off with that effort.  However, the rest I wholeheartedly believe came off because of my divorce and the stress that was incurred while I was going through my divorce. I can remember not having any money to feed myself and my daughter and truly realizing that we were potentially going to starve unless something changed. Thank God for J during those times but then I stop to think that maybe you used  him to help yourself get out of a terrible situation and Lord knows that's not right....but then I think no your wrong....he came into your life for a reason and that reason was a beautiful thing and you can prove that to him by expressing how appreciative you are and by trying to make yourself into a better version of yourself not only for him but for yourself too. That's a pretty positive statement for myself and trust me those positive statements are few and far between.

I now worried that my body is so screwed up that it will never release the rest of this weight.  I really need to weigh myself because I haven't for two weeks and I'm scared too.  What if the scale hasn't moved what if I have gained weight.  I know I just need to bite the bullet and get my ass on the damn thing. Also little unknown fact that I have not eluded too....but J is trying to lose weight as well....frankly I am so jealous of him.  He seems to always make the time he needs for himself to take care of himself.  Me?  I feel like there are not enough hours in the day.

All the reading I've done says I've got to work out at least 6 days a week.....uugghh....I really really really don't know if I can do this. I'm going to try and run, walk, run, for an hour we will see what happens.

Desired Goal

Today is 09-18-2012, my daughter is almost 8.  That means that I have been packing around this weight for almost 8 1/2 years!  It's been way too long and when I think of the impact on my health I cringe.  At 33 I'm sore, achy, and stiff most everyday. Consequently, I'm cranky and sometimes not so nice to be around.  My heart hurts for my kids and J.  I know that I am not easy to live with. That's my main reason I'm trying to shed this weight.  I also need to somehow to change my mindset into realizing that I am not only doing this for them but myself....why is that so hard? Maybe it's because society has so wrapped up in how were supposed to look.  I just don't know......

With that said this is the desired outcome.....

54 pounds needs to be gone by May 31st of 2013.....so about 7 to 8 pounds a month....uuugghh

This seems impossible....but I've done things that seemed impossible before in my life and I've succeeded so I'm going to give it go. I really need to take some before pictures so that when I do get to where I want to be I can look back and be proud of something I did for myself for once in my life. The problem is I don't think I can stand the idea of taking said photos....uuugghhh....I've just got to somehow work up the nerve I suppose.

In other news.....J had another mysterious dream last night and honestly I'm starting to think that he may secretly feel guilty about something or he hates me I haven't decided quite yet (I'm kidding, really I am).

Last nights dream.....I turned him into the police and he was forced to go to sensitivity training....ba wha ha ha ha! It remains unclear what I turned him into the police for but it must have been something good.  He said he had to stay in a series of cabins with a bunch of people like himself. It seriously made me giggle. J is a man's man and there is no way he would be caught dead at sensitivity training. Maybe he's hitting another one of those milestones I think that all people experience throughout there life time where you reflect on your life and then you learn from it and you grow a little more everytime.  J says it's just a weird time of year and that's what causing it.....all I could do was smile and nod.  Lord, I love him with every fiber of my being and sometimes I just don't know why I just do.

What I'm eating today....

I need to be honest I had a cookie today and some Chai, feeling a bit guilty about that.

Lunch I will have a sandwhich and some triscuits again.

I believe that I am making spanish rice stuffed green peppers tonight for dinner with vegetarian refried beans....come to think of it I may stuff the beans in the peppers kind of sounds good. We will see.

More jogging tonight and add in some yoga and strength training.  I'm hoping that at some point I will be able be able to jog a mile or more and not want to die.  It will happen right?

What a morning!

I hate Monday.....I love my job but I truly hate Monday.  Kids have to be up to go to school I have to be out of the house by 7 and I always have way too much to do every single morning.  Today started a little earlier than expected. Why do you ask?  Well....after getting up around 4:30 this morning to pee and to let our pooch out to do her business I returned to bed.  Outside my window I would have sworn on a bible that it looked like two creatures sitting on my brick retaining wall in my yard.  I realized rather quickly that it was just my eyes playing tricks on me (that is what I get for watching some stupid show on aliens last night with J on Netflix).  I hurriedly get back in bed (my normal place, J's armpit, it's silently known that I'm not really allowed to sleep anywhere else).  I start to nod off and I realize that I had woken J up but could tell by his breathing that he was starting to doze off again.  Too my horror all of sudden I hear J scream.  It's scream that he uses on our animals when he doesn't like what they are doing.  I'm like what the hell is going on.  I ask him what's up and he tells me their is a bear under our chest of drawers....huh? I then realize that he is obviously dreaming and somewhat chuckle to myself that he is not making any sense.  See he almost always make sense so to be suddenly full of nonsense I find hysterical.  Well at this rate I'm wide awake, he still isn't.  So I lay there until my blood pressure comes down a notch just in time for him to finally wake up and tell me and I quote, "That was weird I was dreaming that we were trapping bears in the house and their was one under our chest of drawers and I couldn't get you to wake up."  I'm like yeah I kind of gathered that, duh!

I reach for the trusty iPad so he and I  can look up what trapping bears and bears mean.  I was expecting something benign well I was mistaken... and to be honest I was shocked with the explanation.....It read something to the effect about obstacles being in his way and that he has been rather contemplative...uugghh. He then reminds me that he had a dream about a praying mantis being on our bed the night before.  I now look up praying mantis in terms of dreaming and now it's an
explanation that he feels preyed upon and that he is in a destructive relationship. I start to cry..... Why you may ask?  Things are not always sunshine and roses between J and myself and my life has been filled with my own self doubts of who I really am and this stuff just cuts me to the bone. I start to wonder if there is truly some validity to what they are describing. Maybe I do take advantage of him?  Maybe I do take him for granted?  My head just starts to spin...... J in true J fashion just laughs ( I love his laugh by the way it's amazing..... it's indescribable it's just got a good resonance to it and when he laughs I fall in love with him just a little bit more). I immediately lightened up and live to fight for our relationship another day.

Uuuuugghhhh....can my life just be boring some days please?

All of this happened before 5:30 this morning!  So now were both awake dreading the fact that it's now like 5 AM and we have to be up in like in an hour and neither one of us can sleep. I decide at 6 AM that I have had enough and I'm just going to get up. H is awake (shocker considering she is almost 17, I'm being sarcastic, she's awake because it takes her three years to crimp her hair to perfection.) I run around do a load of laundry, situate the animals and haphazardly throw my clothes on.  J shoots me that grin that I love so much (that grin gets him out of more trouble with me than I care to admit).  That smile morphs into our morning competition.  What competition are you asking yourself?  Well in the morning its an unspoken challenge to see who can leave the house first me and H or him.

It's very competitive....it's awesome.....he will do everything he can to delay me.  From accusing meof losing his truck keys to wear is my hat and what did you do with work shirts.  Honestly, I don't touch any of these items he is just ravenous when he comes home from work at 3 in the afternoon and he just sets things down in spots he doesn't remember. Well not today mister, I didn't fall for it, and I was out of the house first.....take that J!

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Wedding Dress Inspiration

Oh yes my fat ass will get into one of these dresses and I will look smoking hot when I marry J next summer! 

Let's just do the damn thing!

So.....the reason for a blog well my blog is rather simple. I need somewhere to chronicle this weight loss challenge I'm placing myself on as well as place to write down all the BS that gives me joy and sorrow in any given day. As of today my life encapsulates the following genres.....divorced, mother, overweight (let's face it fat), girlfriend/fiancée, step-mom, full-time working 30 something woman. 

If your going to read this prepare to hear about J (the love of my life who I live with and routinely hate and love all in the same day because well....he's J). My kids.....we have a total of five together from previous relationships. All have been cruely bestowed with the curse of not having the best childhoods but damnit J and I are trying (we get points for heaven for that right?) My pets...I have a turtle, a labradoodle, and three cats all are loved like children so if your reading this and you think holy hell she's a crazy cat lady feel free to laugh because honestly I don't care I own that title with pride. My work....it may occassionally sneak into my posts as I spend a lot of time there and just like home there are frustrations and frivolity.  My other family as in my folks my brother and my aunts uncles and cousins.....this area of my life has many sore spots but don't get me wrong I love them I just don't understand all of them.

I have decided that no one will have their full name divulged.....ever....unless your one of my pets than it doesn't seem to matter.  I am just going to use everyones first initial.

Three of our five children routinely live with us or see us. H, B, and C - H is almost 17 and since her daddy had her at 17 our relationship with her is complex. J tends to be extremely overprotective of her. In all practicality it makes her crazy. B is my biological daughter (she will be 8 this year) and boy oh boy did I screw up her life but there is a different time and place for that blog post. C is H's younger 11 year old brother....all I can say is he is defintely his fathers son. There will be more on that topic later as well. The other two children that J fathered are all extremely complex sore subjects. I am sure I will elaborate later but now is not that time. I will say that they are all extremely loved and that we are extremely sorry for decisions we have made that have further complicated this thing we all call life. 

On a happier note.....J proposed in June. We had been living together as a family for two years at that point and been together for nearly three years. My rings are beautiful their vintage....white gold and diamonds....13 of them between the wedding band and the engagement ring. I suppose I deserve such a pretty ring.....even though I don't feel real good about myself. I'm going to try and change that before we get married next year. It's on my list of shit that has to be done and it's a priority. 

I'm five foot 2, I've had a c-section and between being married to the most awful man on the planet and pregnancy I now weigh a svelt 189 pounds.....blech.....I did weigh 243 pounds at one point so I've already made some progress but I would love to weigh 135 pounds again so only 54 more pounds to go and I'll be there. The problem is how do I do this?  I have kids, J, a job, pets, family, and every excuse in the world to not do a damn thing for myself.  My feelings of inadequacy get in my damn way.  J says your just going to have to do it. Oh yeah mister? Well then who takes care laundry, my job, cooking, pets, kids, and him? I'm struggling with how to balance it all......it has to be done though. 

Today.....I feel like hell. I've not been sleeping at night again my body hurts all over all the time I believe because of my weight and my stress load. I'm also being visited by Aunt Flo and honestly I don't want to do anything until that lightens up a bit.  I need to finish decorating my home for Halloween, cook everyone something decent to eat for lunch and dinner, work on my laundry, help J and the kids with his laundry list of items he needs assistance with and somehow sneak 45 minutes or more of good exercise in all before the sun goes down at 7:30.....I'm tired already thinking about it... I will keep you posted......

Christina